


Flickers

by poagthemoth



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Gay yearning, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Stargazing, cw's in beginning notes, ivy :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29086707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poagthemoth/pseuds/poagthemoth
Summary: Ivy sits and reads, thinking about a lost love.
Relationships: Ivy Alexandria & The Aurora, Ivy Alexandria/Nastya Rasputina, Ivy Alexandria/Raphaella la Cognizi
Kudos: 18





	Flickers

**Author's Note:**

> content warnings:  
> \- this is very sad please be careful  
> \- derealisation  
> \- suicide ideation  
> \- loss  
> \- mentioned deaths of people (to do with out)  
> \- probably also existential if you don't want that  
> 

Ivy wandered the decks of what once was the Aurora. Her footsteps were quiet but still rang out clearly inside the ship, it was rare for much noise to echo throughout the sprawling starship these days. In her arms she had piled a stack of books, some random books taken from the history section of her methodically organised archive. The Archivist pirate reached a large circular window and sat with her back it, placing the books neatly by her as she sat down to read. She planned to sit there quietly for some time, pouring through the volumes by her, and she did. She just sat there and absorbed what knowledge she could.

Her memory had been a lot more hazy and messy than usual for some time now, she reckoned her memory functions were down by 33 or so percent since it happened. But through the haze still remembered her face. Nastya's nervous smile and the way her glasses always sat on her nose as they kissed. She remembered the cold comfort of her lips against hers as they embraced, how they fell asleep together in awkward positions and how she always woke up chilly all over next to her but she didn't mind because Nastya had always had a certain warmth to her. The way Nastya tenderly stroked her hair as they lay together, the way she worried about the screams and sweating she had always woke up with and insisted on making sure she was ok before letting her get up. She had always been tender with her and she had loved her for that, she remembered countless dream-like days just burying her face in the hues of Nastya's hair. She missed the sound of her violin and the harmony of it and her flute as they played together. She also missed the way Nastya would drape her jacket over them both and she could curl up with her inside the warmth of it.

But Nastya was gone. How long ago Ivy couldn't tell you anymore, it had been too long. She had gone out the airlock, Jonny had told everyone still left. Saying something about the ship and claiming she wasn't returning. She had kept her promise so far. Ivy knew the bond between her and Aurora had been always stronger than Nastya's feelings for any of her crewmates but she still knew she loved her deeply. So it still hurt that she left without saying goodbye to her though. She understood it in her own way, the feeling of wanting to quietly isolate yourself quietly from the people that care about you in an attempt to have some closure from your life and try to not cause pain to those around you. Ivy did that alot, especially since she had gone out. She spent months, even years Raphaella had said once, holed up in her library at a time. Falling in and out of consciousness with only the octokittens for company, she had always loved them as well. 

She remembered a time when she and Nastya had found a small nest of octokittens in the vents, slumbering peacefully. Nastya was content to remove them but she had convinced not to along with the Aurora, now both of them were gone. She had always known it would be inevitable but her calculations and estimations had measured perhaps a few more thousand years of time for them both together. Her calculations weren't as efficient as they used to be these days, along with her memory issues. It wasn't like she made planet fall too often these days as well, everything seemed to be a bit duller, even the stars. She wasn't sure if her mechanism was failing but if Nastya wasn't coming back, she doubted the Doctor would.

In the time since she had left, Ivy had spent years upon years reading and researching history and even going on planets around where she had gone out in an attempt to find any signs of where she went. Nothing ever came up but she had calculated at the start there was a 9 percent chance of finding even a hint of Nastya anymore anywhere. She had faced worse odds but not for a space so vast. She often looked out of that particular window she read by, watching the stars ethereally blink and burn through the glass. She liked to imagine Nastya was still out there, floating amongst the void, just waiting to be picked up and then they would embrace and it would all be ok again. She imagined it over and over day and day again but she knew it wasn't going to happen when she thought about it too much, and then she just broke down in tears before she forgot it again and went back to searching. 

Although she read a lot to try and figure out where Nastya went, she also spent a lot of time trying to figure out why she left. She knew a major part of it was for the loss of her girlfriend, but she had seen too much and understood too much to think a decision like that would be that simple to come to. The fact she hadn't spoken to Ivy about leaving had given her certain thoughts over time about it. She wondered if it was her fault. She had always been clingy, she thought, quick to get upset if her partners had done things like video nights without asking if she wanted to. Their relationship had varied between intensity of being near all the time and months of not embracing. Although a lot of this was consensual, she could somewhat recall, it still made her think the nature of the relationship like this had driven her girlfriend away from her. She knew that at least their relationship was different than her relationship with other crewmates before she left.

Not many in the crew knew but Ivy had ended up blaming herself a lot and struggled to stop it happening, so she took to trying to find her again to try and alleviate her guilt. Maybe sometimes she even blamed Nastya for leaving her but she found it harder and harder to comprehend her thoughts daily so she wasn't sure. The mechanical brain she had had for millenia seemed to almost tick without her now, as if it was waiting for her to give up so it could continue there whirring away sitting inside the dust covered library until the end of time. In a way she liked that thought but she knew she would miss her books and the octokittens. She was unsure about the crew when she wasn't around them, because sometimes it felt as if they were mere flickers in the grand cosmos if she couldn't see them in front of her, like those stars she gazed at longingly. Sometimes she even wondered if her past memories of them together were real. 

She knew her books better though at least, they felt real and she knew they would last on the ship if she didn't. In the early days she had feared Ashes would burn them as vengeance for some losses but they were nice about it and hadn't accidentally burned one of her books for approximately a few centuries. Ivy liked that she remembered that detail about her books and Ashes. She didn't think she would ever forget it like she had so much already. 

She didn't even realise she was forgetting so much at first partly because she had always had a certain level of amnesia about her past. She woke up unable to recall ever dreaming about anything but always screaming or sweating profusely or with a migraine. It wasn't until the other crewmates pointed this fact out she properly realised this happened. Eventually, after Nastya had gone, she realised it was probably something to do with a loss of memories after she found herself unable to recall some small details she would usually have no problem recalling some time after waking up; The name and pronouns of that one grey-green octokitten or the blurb of some book in the Biology section in the library. She was glad the octokittens had collars, she was also sure they would be fine in the end. She still tried her best to take care of them and she knew Tim did, even if from her half remembered glimpses of him he just appeared distraught and shaky when feeding them.

Regardless of all this, as Ivy read through a book about the history of a planet called something to do with ash, she was content. Barely away from the swirling maelstrom of her thoughts all she heard now was the tick-tock of her brain and the words coming to life from the page. She was aware she would have to get up eventually but she knew she didn't have to right now. When she got up she could confront the flickers and cry some more about Nastya, she spoke to herself as she read another passage about the wonders of technology from some future civilization yet to come. Another part of the contentedness she felt was because she felt like she was searching for Nastya, reading history books for any information about her that would pop up somehow. Even if Nastya had long left the starship, it felt like she could feel her body next to her in this moment.

As she sat like this, she heard someone else sit next to her quietly. They felt distant but she knew they would feel close if she leaned closer. She closed the book slowly and she fell into a pair of arms and lay in them, they felt warmer than Nastya's had. She felt a tear coming but she closed her eyes and just let thoughts of love overcome the fog of feelings of guilt and loss for now. She felt lips tenderly kiss her and she knew it was her angel from the whirring inside her head that remembered love. She had missed her so much.

"How's the reading going Ivy?"

"Just fine Raph, just fine" she leaned back some more in her lovers arms, and felt comforted.  
She opened her eyes seeing the glowing lights of the wings that now towered over her protectively, and Raphaella's face. She reached out and touched it and felt her play with her hair, it was a fading red right now she faintly recalled as she smiled at her partner. 

"I don't ever want to leave you." she faintly says to Raphaella.

"Neither do I." she replies, her melodic voice still sounding gorgeous after years of being together.

As they stayed like that, together, Ivy could see the beautiful woman who's arms she lay in and knew for that moment at least, she wasn't a flicker.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading if you did, this took alot of emotional energy to write and i listened to why we ever by hayley williams on repeat for it so if you want to blame anyone for crying blame hayley williams  
> i also had intense angsty ivy/nastya brainrot for it which is probably quite obvious but yeah hopefully this reads as good writing and not just me being sad (kudos are welcome)


End file.
